Things i've learnt

I've learnt:
that there's no time frame for one to stop grieving.
there's no such thing as u have to stop grieving after a week or a month.U grieve as long as you want.get it off your chest.talk about it cos thats how you get in touch with your feelings.dont feel pressured that people will say u r not strong cos only strong people have the guts to talk about it openly and not hide how they feel.
A strong person is not one who doesn't cry or looks like they r doin fine cos the people who go into depression are the ones who kept it all inside.
There's no such thing as 5 weeks so its not so painful. its still your baby n yes it can be painful.yes it didn't kick or move yet but it was a life.I felt a bond even in those short 5 weeks.
If this is your 1st pregnancy then it wld have been worse.its jus as bad 1st child or not.n please don't tell me other people have had it worse.its not like i've had a few miscarriages to compare it to.for me, my problem is big.
Jus cos u cry or wanna talk abt it doesn't mean u've not moved on.I know my baby is definitely not comin back.n crying isn't gonna change anythin.but its ok to cry when i think of it.its ok to talk about it cos i'm learning about my experience.
life goes on.its better to move on with people who genuinely care and have the patience to go thru it with you.keep the people who pressure you,irritate you or make you feel worse at a distance.

God has a plan and i'm finally seeing it

When I had the miscarriage and everyone said God has a plan,i didn't see it.I felt God took my precious baby away.He knew how long i had waited for it n how badly I wanted it.
But slowly,i m seein it.For a long time i felt family and friends shared equal power.Now I know u r nothin without family. How wrong i was about my family. I could not have survived this if not for them.
i am not forgetting the friends whom i've been able to pour my heart out n cry to.There r so few with the patience to listen n b there for me no matter how long it took.

I've come to appreciate Shaneeta more now.I must admit that i've been so busy with my own goals that i've taken her for granted at times.

I've also realised that when life hits you with a setback,you get up and face it.Its never easy but you must do it before it engulfs you.

I also realised when u r too nice to people,these very people think u will always only smile at whatever they say.I've become less tolerant to that now.cos bein tolerant only makes the other person feel stronger n there'll be no end to their remarks.

I've realised there r frens you can talk to abt certain things but there r that few frens who'll truly be with you every step of the way.

The loss of a child

The feeling is jus unexplainable.When a miscarriage happens,its not just the loss of the child but the dreams hopes and expectations the mother had.Its amazing how you can feel so much love for a life u've not seen,felt or a voice u've not heard.this life had no name.But i still felt a bond. It may have been only 5 weeks old but it is my baby.

Despite what anyone says,i'd like to keep the baby alive in mymemory.I want to remember the date.I don't want to forget about it so easily and I don't want to pretend it never happened.Cos no matter what,it is my 2nd child.

I jus pray its in a better place and would come back to me when the time is right

It wasn't meant to be

Mar 23rd:4am.I was in terrible pain.Then a gush.I jumped out of bed and went to the toilet.blood and more blood.I knew it.I was in shock for a few seconds and then i knew my baby had left me.I felt this strong sense of emptiness.All i could do was to cry.But that wouldn't change the fact.That much blood can't be good.Even if the baby survived,it wouldn't be good.I knew all tht.but still,when I went into A&E,i still hoped they'd tell me the baby was fine.

They did the scan again n wat i saw shocked me.An empty womb.When the doctor explained to me,i jus nodded,fighting back tears.As sooon as he said " u've probably miscarried" i burst out in tears.It was like all hope was lost.Everythin that i had been waiting n hopin for was gone.I had disappointed will n Shaneeta.We were all lookin forward to it.

jus when everythin was goin great...

Mar 21: It was good friday.after going to the playground with Shaneeta and Will,we sat to chat with some friends.I was having mild cramps. When i went home,i realised i was spotting.I knew it wasn't good so the next morning, we went to see the doctor.He later confirmed that the baby was still fine.

Mar 22: One bloodclot at night.By this time my heart was pounding.i read somewhere that blood clots were not good.could it really be happening?I went on the net to read up n most sites said that meant a miscarriage was on the way.for some reason,i held on to every ounce of hope that i wld be lucky n the baby wld survive.

Heartbeat found

After a very stressful week of tests n more tests,i received a call from KK. I was told earlier that if i didn't receive a call within the next few weeks,everythin was fine.So its only been a week n they r callin me.wat was i to think?

At the ultrasound room,the lady was so serious, hardly said anythin.I was jus prayin they would have somethin good to say.We were waiting for over an hour.It was torture.Smiling faces evrywhere,proud fathers waving their scan pictures,mummies lookin at the scan pictures and smiling.we jus sat there with uncertainty.

Finally,they called us in.The moment the words"u're pregnant!5 weeks n they found the heartbeat" came out,Will n I were crying.its unexplainable.the joy we felt.There's a baby n its ok.

A not so happy birthday

Mar 12:It was Will's 35th birthday.We decided to go see the doctor to confirm my pregnancy.I remember feeling extremely nervous.Can't exactly say why but i was shivering.Based on my last menstrual period,I shld have been8 weeks pregnant.But when i went for a scan,it showed nothin.no baby, no heartbeat.So they jus told me to assume i was pregnant and to take the medicines till they cld actually confirm anythin.

so our minds were a complete blank.Was i pregnant?wat do i do now?Is everythin alrite?so many questions to which i had no answers.We didn't feel like celebrating cos it seemed like we were in some dark hole n we didn't know where to go or how to get out.