Whats yours will be yours

Will was on reservist training for a month in Thailand when I found out I was pregnant. This time the both of us decided to stay calm and not think too much about it.It was very tough though.Every time will called, he'd ask if i still was late and if I noticed any changes.Then we said we'll see the doc after my birthday.But as soon as will came back,we did the pregnancy test and in the next few days,we were at the hospital to see the doc.So much for staying calm.

During the scan, we saw a very active foetus and that got us all excited.was so different from the last pregnancy where none of us could see anything.However,during the check up,they found a clot near the baby.Then everythin in the room started to spin.The doc said it could mean the onset of another miscarriage or it could jus go away as the baby grew.we had to wait-again.

I remember going home dejected.I hated the waiting game.most of all, I hated knowing i cld lose my baby again,goin thru the whole ordeal again,the heartbreak.I knew this time i was sure to go berserk.There was nothin else to do but wait and pray.

Then i had a bad bout of morning sickness.was hell but boy was i glad.Docs will tell u morning sickness is good.chances of miscarriages are very low n it means the pregnancy is goin well.I had passed the 3 mth mark and it was time for the down syndrome test.That day was probably the most memorable.We saw the baby doin the backstroke.He was so happy inside.Looked very healthy.Best of all,the clot was gone.The best meal i had in a while,the most peaceful sleep i had in a while.

It got better from there.My bump was showing at jus 4 mths,the baby is growing well n we were told it is a boy.Most of all,We are glad Shaneeta would be lonely no more.

project:baby

As most who know me will know i m very into star signs. I had wanted a libran baby but tht wasn't meant to be.So I thot of waiting another year for another libran baby-like me.Will however said he wanted a baby now n he couldn't wait till next year.So after consulting with other horoscope enthusiasts,i decided on a taurus baby.Project :baby, was soon to start......

my random shots

My weekend getaway

Our weekend getaway at Conrad was probably the best in a very long time.The feeling was indescribable.The surprise was stressful but in the end it was worth it.Will n I needed this time alone and we made the best of it.

Things i've learnt

I've learnt:
that there's no time frame for one to stop grieving.
there's no such thing as u have to stop grieving after a week or a month.U grieve as long as you want.get it off your chest.talk about it cos thats how you get in touch with your feelings.dont feel pressured that people will say u r not strong cos only strong people have the guts to talk about it openly and not hide how they feel.
A strong person is not one who doesn't cry or looks like they r doin fine cos the people who go into depression are the ones who kept it all inside.
There's no such thing as 5 weeks so its not so painful. its still your baby n yes it can be painful.yes it didn't kick or move yet but it was a life.I felt a bond even in those short 5 weeks.
If this is your 1st pregnancy then it wld have been worse.its jus as bad 1st child or not.n please don't tell me other people have had it worse.its not like i've had a few miscarriages to compare it to.for me, my problem is big.
Jus cos u cry or wanna talk abt it doesn't mean u've not moved on.I know my baby is definitely not comin back.n crying isn't gonna change anythin.but its ok to cry when i think of it.its ok to talk about it cos i'm learning about my experience.
life goes on.its better to move on with people who genuinely care and have the patience to go thru it with you.keep the people who pressure you,irritate you or make you feel worse at a distance.

God has a plan and i'm finally seeing it

When I had the miscarriage and everyone said God has a plan,i didn't see it.I felt God took my precious baby away.He knew how long i had waited for it n how badly I wanted it.
But slowly,i m seein it.For a long time i felt family and friends shared equal power.Now I know u r nothin without family. How wrong i was about my family. I could not have survived this if not for them.
i am not forgetting the friends whom i've been able to pour my heart out n cry to.There r so few with the patience to listen n b there for me no matter how long it took.

I've come to appreciate Shaneeta more now.I must admit that i've been so busy with my own goals that i've taken her for granted at times.

I've also realised that when life hits you with a setback,you get up and face it.Its never easy but you must do it before it engulfs you.

I also realised when u r too nice to people,these very people think u will always only smile at whatever they say.I've become less tolerant to that now.cos bein tolerant only makes the other person feel stronger n there'll be no end to their remarks.

I've realised there r frens you can talk to abt certain things but there r that few frens who'll truly be with you every step of the way.

The loss of a child

The feeling is jus unexplainable.When a miscarriage happens,its not just the loss of the child but the dreams hopes and expectations the mother had.Its amazing how you can feel so much love for a life u've not seen,felt or a voice u've not heard.this life had no name.But i still felt a bond. It may have been only 5 weeks old but it is my baby.

Despite what anyone says,i'd like to keep the baby alive in mymemory.I want to remember the date.I don't want to forget about it so easily and I don't want to pretend it never happened.Cos no matter what,it is my 2nd child.

I jus pray its in a better place and would come back to me when the time is right

It wasn't meant to be

Mar 23rd:4am.I was in terrible pain.Then a gush.I jumped out of bed and went to the toilet.blood and more blood.I knew it.I was in shock for a few seconds and then i knew my baby had left me.I felt this strong sense of emptiness.All i could do was to cry.But that wouldn't change the fact.That much blood can't be good.Even if the baby survived,it wouldn't be good.I knew all tht.but still,when I went into A&E,i still hoped they'd tell me the baby was fine.

They did the scan again n wat i saw shocked me.An empty womb.When the doctor explained to me,i jus nodded,fighting back tears.As sooon as he said " u've probably miscarried" i burst out in tears.It was like all hope was lost.Everythin that i had been waiting n hopin for was gone.I had disappointed will n Shaneeta.We were all lookin forward to it.

jus when everythin was goin great...

Mar 21: It was good friday.after going to the playground with Shaneeta and Will,we sat to chat with some friends.I was having mild cramps. When i went home,i realised i was spotting.I knew it wasn't good so the next morning, we went to see the doctor.He later confirmed that the baby was still fine.

Mar 22: One bloodclot at night.By this time my heart was pounding.i read somewhere that blood clots were not good.could it really be happening?I went on the net to read up n most sites said that meant a miscarriage was on the way.for some reason,i held on to every ounce of hope that i wld be lucky n the baby wld survive.

Heartbeat found

After a very stressful week of tests n more tests,i received a call from KK. I was told earlier that if i didn't receive a call within the next few weeks,everythin was fine.So its only been a week n they r callin me.wat was i to think?

At the ultrasound room,the lady was so serious, hardly said anythin.I was jus prayin they would have somethin good to say.We were waiting for over an hour.It was torture.Smiling faces evrywhere,proud fathers waving their scan pictures,mummies lookin at the scan pictures and smiling.we jus sat there with uncertainty.

Finally,they called us in.The moment the words"u're pregnant!5 weeks n they found the heartbeat" came out,Will n I were crying.its unexplainable.the joy we felt.There's a baby n its ok.

A not so happy birthday

Mar 12:It was Will's 35th birthday.We decided to go see the doctor to confirm my pregnancy.I remember feeling extremely nervous.Can't exactly say why but i was shivering.Based on my last menstrual period,I shld have been8 weeks pregnant.But when i went for a scan,it showed nothin.no baby, no heartbeat.So they jus told me to assume i was pregnant and to take the medicines till they cld actually confirm anythin.

so our minds were a complete blank.Was i pregnant?wat do i do now?Is everythin alrite?so many questions to which i had no answers.We didn't feel like celebrating cos it seemed like we were in some dark hole n we didn't know where to go or how to get out.

good things r worth waiting.

Finally it was past 45 days.The symptoms were showing.I was nervous to do the test again.Maybe i shld wait longer,maybe i shld wait for will's birthday.Friends asked,wat the hell u waitin for-try already.

The next morning,Will bought a pregnancy kit again. This time,we decided to pray b4 doing the test.[drama x 4] i closed my eyes n waited for the result.1st i saw 1 line.Not again plzzzz.then slowly,the 2nd line.lighter than the other line but it was there!.Could it be?Then the 2 lines were about the same color.dark pink.Yes yes yes.I'm pregnant!oh goodness,my heart was singing, head spinning and heart racing.its really happening! i danced out of the bathroom and told will.HE was smiling but that was it.not the reaction i expected but he was happy.We talked abt it the whole nite.tht the bed was gonna be too small for 4 people now.What we should call the baby etc etc.Shaneeta was happy.My family was excited.My friends were thrilled.

I could not sit the whole day.I had to walk.I smsed everyone on my address book.I wanted the whole world to know.its just a great feeling and happiness has taken a new meaning for me.

1 line

I realised that putting your legs up at 30 is almost impossible although it was child's play at 25.yeap-painful best describes it.



Anyway,after all tht bittersweet attempts came the moment of truth.I was told to wait 45 days.That took forever.We were getting impatient.While waiting for the bus at T3,Will suggested i buy a pregnancy kit to check since he was so sure i was pregnant given my enormous appetite and nausea.We came out of the queue and bought it.The trip back was a quiet one.I was nervous,my heart was beating so fast.I didn't know if i wanted to do it yet.Maybe i knoew it was too soon to try.



Everything went in slow motion.From removing the kit from the pack to reading the instructions a gazillion times.Once the test was done,there were butterflies in my stomach.[drama mama x 2]

then 1 line.i kept staring at it.change-come on.plsssssss?

but no change it didn't.1 line it was.rejected and very upset.i left the bathroom with a heavy heart.it was even difficult when will was outside eagerly waiting for the good news n i had no good news.



I have a good friend to thank who listened to my failed attempt and made me see things more positively.I went home,cried it out and felt a whole lot better after that.

mission: failure

In order to get pregnant,I had to be ovulating.Due to all the stress i was going through with when i wanted the baby to be born and having second thoughts,i did not ovulate that month.Panic panic.how could i not be ovulating.I ovulate every other month.Y not now.So i told will,jus do it.we'll see what happens.We mite jus get lucky.So we made it a point to tango every alternate day.Tough i tell you.There were days i wasn't in the mood but i didn't wanna miss out in case i released an egg tht day.[so stressful rite?]

After all that,it was not successful.I got my period.I only felt numb.Didn't know how to react.Then I thought well maybe its not meant to be.Will said lets try again.

So we did.Try n try till u strike lottery.

trying to conceive at almost 30

Comin to the decision of having another child is not easy.There's so much to think about.Do i really wanna go thru this again,change diapers,wake up for feeds,clear poop,feed them,burp them,clear vomit,watch your diet,regain your figure blah blah blah.

I did think 1 child was enough.I was enjoying the freedom again.the space of having some time alone,being able to meet up with friends again and not having to pack diapers and milk powder wherever i went.

The funny thing was-all tht seemed to excite me.No really,i was truly excited to do it all again.it was like i missed that.I was so ready for it.N so the decision of having another baby was confirmed.We were thrilled.Another baby-WOW

Then came the trying to conceive part-the fun part. surfing the net,i went thru so many sites that had methods with 80% chances of conceivin a baby of a particular gender.I must say i was very tempted to try them.but its so difficult to even have our 'play time' when you have a child running in n out of your room so often n a mum who's a light sleeper. so whatever chance we got,we did the tango.heck the setting n all tht sexy lingerie.